I had finally opened up after many, many years of being so reserved and secret about my truth and who I truly am. I would not ask for or receive help from others along my life’s journey unless I was at rock bottom and in complete despair. Even then, it came with a self-imposed price.
Recently I had to go even deeper into my core and do more shadow work on my deepest, darkest emotion, GUILT. Not guilt for any one particular situation, not guilt for having done something harmful to others, but just guilt in general. Anytime I received generosity from others, I was so grateful, but then when I felt I couldn’t reciprocate to that particular person in a similar way, I would feel guilt at a subconscious level.
This also applied to other areas of my life, where guilt would rear itself because I was raised, like all of our western society, being taught that we are sinners, we are less than, and have to earn our worth. This creates deep, dark emotions in us that are not even conscious. Limiting beliefs that we must always reciprocate and sacrifice in order to pay for our worth are so embedded, that it can take years of self-exploration and spiritual growth to see the truth. Many do not even venture to expose and embrace their truth.
Although we each have our own truth specific to us, one very universal truth is that we are all here to be truly ourselves, to live in our truth, to contribute to the whole of the universe, to oneness. Each of us has our own unique imprint and personality that when embraced is a beautiful force of the Divine that will move mountains. We each have our own individual purpose that is part of the whole universal purpose of raising consciousness, awareness. We are all a part of the Divine Consciousness; therefore, how can we be less than? How can we not be worthy? We are all exactly who we are to be, and exactly where we need to be. Each of us is perfect as we are, and knowing that allows us to continue to grow and evolve into our true essence more and more.
Over the last couple of years I have really learned to allow and grow healthy relationships. I would accept giving and receiving gladly among these people in my closest circle. I gained full trust of these individuals and rarely felt guilt, but it was still there if the gift was beyond what I felt I could return. I would think of it often and how I should reciprocate, but would find myself retreating more and more into myself if I did not know how to give back. My conscious mind would know that following my path and my divine purpose was all that I needed to give back, and of course show my appreciation for whatever was given to me, but my subconscious and even deeper unconscious mind would manifest in the form of limiting beliefs, feelings, and emotions.
These past couple of weeks I have experienced many beautiful examples of the universe giving back to me. I have worked on being in alignment with God/Source at a deeper intensity, and therefore was able to receive on a whole new level. I have received prayers, energy healing/coaching/clearing, unyielding love and support, healthy makeup and skin care products, magical crystals, and clothing that reflects my energy. I have been in such a place of gratitude for all of these so much so that I was better able to receive from my Angels, Ascended Masters, Guides, Beings, Elementals; and all that is Divine. The transformation I have experienced this week alone was powerful beyond what I could possibly express in my human consciousness. I have seen much of my guilt dissolve and dissipate, transmute into the ethers and renew as love and light.
I am excited and blessed to be the Maid of Honor of a dear friend of mine with a soul that reaches beyond her physical presence like no other I have known. She is full of life with a fervent energy, and never refrains from showing her beautiful passion. I went for my dress fitting this week and her dear, precious mother purchased my dress for me. I have met her on rare occasions, but feel a strong connection to her magnetic soul. This was a very generous gift that I am immensely appreciative of. I felt so humbled.
In a time of me spending all my energy on being in my life’s purpose, and truly doing all that I can as guided by the Divine to be in alignment so that I may manifest healing and spiritual growth for myself, while helping others do the same; the universe showed me that I could receive in great and powerful ways. I have made a commitment that no matter what, my primary priority will always be to do the work individually and universally that I was called to do; to serve the purpose that I came here to serve; to create the life I came here to create. Allowing myself to receive such generous gifts of love from others is only one example of how I can do this.
Later that day I was gifted a beautiful stone with a write up of its qualities that was selected specifically for me by my friend’s mother. She knows my soul spiritually, although our time together in person has been minimal. It fits me in EVERY single aspect. Her talents are magical and divine. The more I read the write up she provided, the stronger I know myself and my truth. This gift of truth, love, and beauty will carry me through the remainder of this life with powerful guidance. This stone was personally picked for me is Pink Manganocalcite. My dear friend and bride also gifted me some adorable clothes that fit my personality perfectly, as well as fabulous fabric scraps that I can create with. What a fun and magical day it was of sharing, giving, and receiving.
The next morning I decided to treat myself to a small cup of coffee before I taught my Reiki class. I had given up decaffeinated coffee completely a month ago, as to eliminate even more chemicals from my already clean diet. I allow myself a half a cup of caffeinated coffee a couple times a week. I actually buy one cup and split it over a couple of days, as coffee itself can have some very healing qualities if it is not a brand laced with chemicals.
There was a lady in front of me in the drive in of our amazing local coffee shop that roasts their own high quality coffee beans. The gentleman came out to my vehicle and took my order and my payment. He brought my coffee and my payment back to me and informed me the lady in front of me bought my coffee. I have heard of this happening and always thought I wanted to do that for someone someday. I was so overcome with gratitude and joy. I realized I did not know this woman that delivered a beautiful message from the angels, but I pulled up beside her and waved. She rolled down her window and I said, “thank you so very much. I will pay it forward”. She gave me a thumbs-up and said something to the effect of “that’s perfect”. I pulled to the end of the ally and stopped right then and there and said my prayer of gratitude. I offer prayers of gratitude at least twice a day, but usually much more. It really is true that if we live in gratitude, we always get more abundance. It is the Law of Attraction and the Law of Compensation.
As my student arrived for her class, she too brought more adorable clothes for me to sort through that she was giving to me. All of these clothes from both friends are in excellent shape, and truly will offer me a gift that will keep on giving. I shared some of my dear stories of receiving with my student, and newfound friend. We met late last year and our friendship has grown beautifully. She is an angel with spiritual gifts that abound. By the end of the conversation, I also received a gift I had been seeking for six months. I found my Art Therapist for Epiphysis.
I am in such a state of receiving now and releasing more and more of the feelings of guilt daily. I am so grateful to God for sending all of these angels and gifts to me, and showing me I can receive, not only give. I will continue to commit daily, hourly, and in every moment to be the person I truly am and to serve the purpose I came here to serve. I am grateful beyond words for all the Divine guidance I receive constantly, and all the many gifts I receive along my journey that not only offer me lessons and messages, but allow me to serve in the way I was called to serve. Namaste.